life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
