I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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