I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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