He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
