You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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