I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
