Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We have so much sex to catch up on
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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