You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
