i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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