Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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