Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
