Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
