I have demons in me.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
