I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
