I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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