you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
