I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
