How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
