Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
