i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize