and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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