Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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