I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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