i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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