remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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