Just fell off a train. Bad.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
