um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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