Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
