Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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