shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
