the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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