Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
