Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
