i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
