I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
