I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
