am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
