He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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