Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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