Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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