living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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