when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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