Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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