I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
