I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
