So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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