There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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