Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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