I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
