As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
