Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
