Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
