Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
