dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
