One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
