I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
