I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
