Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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