I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
